It’s okay to politely decline if those items don’t work for you. The process of letting go is a hard one for everyone—but with practice, and some practicality, it gets easier.
My parents have lived in their four-story house for decades, and this year, they are finally downsizing to a condo. I’m excited for them, but there’s still a lot of cleaning out ahead. It’s not easy for us Gen Xers and Millennials to persuade our parents to part with all the things they’ve collected over the years.
Many of us worry about someday cleaning out a relative’s house—and that is a reality. By 2030, more than 20 percent of adults will be 65 or older, and as they start to need different care situations, they will need to clean out their home, or it will fall to their younger relatives.
I talked to Laura Kinsman from Williamsburg Estate Services for advice. Her business helps people answer the question: “What should we do with this STUFF?” as they transition. Kinsman notes that our parents, mostly Baby Boomers, were not raised during the Depression, but their parents were, and they may have inherited a mindset of “We can’t get rid of anything” or “Let’s keep it, just in case.”
Clothes and furniture may be the easiest to know where to donate, and to let go of when they just don’t fit. Kinsman notes that many of the items people are holding onto because they were expensive to buy, or used to be worth money are unfortunately, usually not worth the perceived value. People in their 30s and 40s are declining their parents’ antiques and driving down prices for other people’s antiques, because the demand just isn’t there, except for truly exceptional pieces. She also said appraisals should be used selectively because of the expense, and the false hope they may offer if they assess replacement value rather than what the item can actually be sold for.
Collections are also challenging to sell, because their value is in the eye of the beholder. Gold and silver retain their value because they can be repurposed. But unless your parents are serious collectors who’ve monitored the industry, the ceramic cat collection or assorted stamps probably only have sentimental value.
Art is another tricky area, because this is about taste, as well as memories. Maybe my dad’s oil painting of three Irish setters is his favorite because it reminds him of summers spent with his grandparents? Or your mom’s watercolor reminds her of a school trip to France? It’s okay to say, “That’s not my taste” and encourage your parents to find another home for it.
Kinsman also said that “the pretty little things” that the previous generation saved are not as desirable for more practical mid-lifers. The crystal, the tea set, the 16 place settings of china, and the needlepoint chair no one is allowed to sit in—most of us don’t want it. There’s also the challenge of heirlooms being passed down to fewer people, creating tough choices among three grandmothers’ sets of wedding china.
It’s okay to politely decline if those items don’t work for you. The process of letting go is a hard one for everyone—but with practice, and some practicality, it gets easier.
“Ask ‘When have you used this recently? Will you need it as your living situation changes?’ And be willing to compromise,” Kinsman said.
What about the items you don’t want but someone else wants you to have? Sets of china, jewelry, silverware, pianos, artwork and collections can have “emotional liens” on them—someone wants you to have them, or at least to not let them go.
So, how can we have those conversations now to help avoid hurt feelings in the future?
“We have to learn to say no, and encourage them to begin the process before they have to do it. But if there is something you’d like, let them know. For example, ‘I have no need for fine china, but I would love the cheese platter we always use for the holidays,’” Kinsman said.
Start now, and have these conversations before you have to fill up your storage with inherited items.
How can we get the right mindset to avoid putting our own children in this position?
- Continually evaluate your own stuff and be very honest with yourself about what you love and what you actually use.
- Don’t keep things you don’t use or let things remain in boxes in the basement for “someday”.
- Avoid collecting things in the hopes that they’ll be valuable—collect only things that bring you joy.